FRIEND - A person whom one knows, likes & trusts.
All parents worry about their child's friends. Will their friends be a
bad influence, bring drugs into our child's life & will they treat
our child right. When your child has Autism you worry will my child have
friends. This is the hardest part of the boys Autism for me as I have
social anxiety. Growing up with being put down by my Mom & Sisters,
it is very hard for me to make friends. When you love someone and they
turn on you it is hard to trust again but when it is our family that
turns on you, you are left feeling worthless. Most people don't get me,
they think I am bold, assertive, controlling and a perfectionist. I am
bold about my work because it is the one area I can be confident because
my family could not touch me with my work. I am assertive about things I
believe in because I was put down so much growing up I taught myself to
be assertive when needed. Controlling & Perfectionist got together,
I don't want to be controlling but I have to have things as perfect as
possible. When Karissa was six weeks old, we moved to a new apartment,
during the move I severely sprained my ankle (possibly broke it). My
mother showed up on our second day after the move, when she came in and
saw that there were still boxes to unpack, she tore me apart. Yelled and
screamed at me about how I was bad mother, couldn't do anything right,
I was a failure & how bad I looked. From that point on I made sure
my house was cleaned, my hair & makeup always done & did my best
to make things as perfect as possible. Over the years no matter what I
did or how perfect it was, it was not good enough to be loved by them.
Now if my own family can't love me or accept me because I am not what
they want, why would friends. I think part of my problem is my feeling
of what a friend is. Friends should mean what they say and say what they
mean. When I was pregnant with Kyle I wanted a hot chocolate at
Donald's game. The woman working the stand made a big deal about not
letting her friend (me) have tap water with my hot chocolate and she got
bottled water to make it. This same woman does not RSVP when her son is
invited to parties at our house. I have never been invited to anything
with her. To me she is not a friend she is an acquaintance. I can never
tell when people really consider me to be their friend when they say
friend. When I say someone is my friend, I mean friend. I can't stand
the vague saying, "we need to get together sometime" but then they are
always busy. When Karissa was in elementary school other Moms didn't
talk to me. I was the single Mom, thin Mom & the young Mom so I did
not fit in. I actually went on field trips and other Moms would not talk
to me. Now I am the Mom that has sons with Autism so I do not fit in
again. I know part of the problem now is that I talk about Autism a lot
but Autism IS my life. Everyone is always busy with their work, friends
& activities and all I have is the boys, Autism & the Y. I have
been out twice in over a year, for me getting my nails done is
the highlight of the month.
I am afraid my social anxiety
will make it hard on the boys. I do try to setup playdates but they
never seem to happen. I always find myself wondering is it that the
child is not interested, the parent doesn't want their child to be
around Autism (yes it does happen) or is it me the parent doesn't
like. I am trying to be more confident in myself but it is hard as I
always worry who might know my sisters and how my sisters talk about me
to others. It is so much easier to make from online because it is easy
to be a friend without being seen, without worrying about disappointing
others. I am hoping that our move to Maine will be a break though for
both myself and the boys. I will be far away from my sisters and their
influence so I am hoping to overcome my social anxiety. I am hoping the
boys have better luck making more friends in Maine.
I
will teach the boys my most important view on Friends. "It is better to
be a friend that tells you the truth than to have a polite acquaintance."
One thing that is for sure, the boys and I are alike in many ways, we
say it like it is, we are true to ourselves, were honest & we are
loyal. I guess I can take comfort int he fact that we will learn
together.
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