I have been thinking about this post for six weeks, trying to find
the right wording. The word Freedom means so many different things to
different people and/or different topics. My horoscope for May 27 said I
would have a sense of freedom, I moved to Maine the next day. I truly
did feel the sense of Freedom that night knowing so many things would
change the next morning.
For those who really know me will
understand this post. For those that don't know me that well, well this
post may explain a lot about who I am and why I do things the way I do.
Prisoner
of Worrying - Worrying what everyone will think of me. Will I say the
wrong thing? Am I dressed right? Hair right? Will someone know my
family? Will someone report back to my family? Is my weight right? Too
fat or too thin?? Will they say I have an eating disorder again when I
don't??Is my house clean enough?? Is my cooking good enough??Am I dumb
like I was told so many times??? Am I ugly like my mother told me I
was?? Will they say I am lying again, even though I hate lies? Do they
really like me or are they being polite?? Will I be accepted ?? Will I
ever be good enough to be loved by my family???(sisters)
I can
imagine your thoughts are OMG does she worry a lot or why would anyone
worry so much. Well growing up being judged on every move you make,
makes you worry. It makes you look in the mirror ten times before you
leave to make sure everything looks right. I have a very hard time
knowing whether people are truly my friend because my family always put
on a front and you never knew true feeling so I think everyone acts that
way. When people say lets get together sometime, I wonder if they mean
it or not. Then when I don't hear from them I figure they were just
being polite and didn't mean they wanted to get together. I usually hear
about how busy they are as if because I am a stay at home Mother I have
nothing to do. Like three boys with Autism, all the cooking, cleaning,
running the house by myself, starting a business & 30 or so therapy
appointments a month is not busy. If I had a friend that wanted to get
together for lunch, I would make the time, I would save the money to go
because I would want that friend to know I cared about them. But that
never really happens for me but I see they get together with other
friends and make time for other friends. So that makes me wonder are
they truly me friend and so it starts the cycle again for worrying
about who I am.
Prisoner of our Home - Four almost four years we
were like prisoners of our home because of our neighbors & their
dogs. They had four pitbulls and the owners were just as nasty as the
dogs. The owners may have been even more nasty than the dogs. There was
14 to 21 people living in a 4 bedroom house. My boys could not handle
the barking of the dogs, so playing outside did not happen often. The
comments coming from the adults & kids was rude, mean & just
wrong. When we found property markers proving where our land line was
the Grandmother of the house said "Your boys have Autism because you are
an evil person and God is punishing you". For the first time in 4 years
Mike had to hold me back as I wanted to jump the fence and rip her eyes
out. (Can't say heart because she did not have a heart.) It was
constant trouble with them and the police were no help. They gave them
warnings, and more warning and so on. The Police even told me to move
and also told me to bake a cake and play nice. So for the better part of
4 years we stayed in our house even though we had the largest yard on the
street. Karl & Kyle really didn't know what it was like to play in a
yard.
There are others but the above are the main forms that had a
tight grip on myself and the family. We left RI and moved to Maine and
it has been the best decision we have ever maid. The boys are so happy,
they get to play outside all the time now. They are learning what it is
like to get scraps and bruises while having a lot of fun. It is hard to
watch them get hurt but it is great to see them be boys and enjoy their
new yard.
The move has had the biggest impact on me. I am not
worrying who knows my sisters as no one here will know them. So I do not
worry about what they will be told or what they will say about me to
others. I have gone from not leaving the house without makeup to has
only worn makeup three times in six weeks. I am not worrying about every
little detail anymore. I have vowed to be ME, to be proud of the person
I am & to be more outgoing. I know I am quirky, I know I think out
of the box, have different views from others, my own opinions, different
values & I know I am mis-understood a lot. But all in all I am a
great person - I am honest, talented, a good mother, good wife, good
cook, I am loyal to those I care about, I am there for those I care
about, I say what I mean because I believe in being an honest friend not
a polite acquaintance & I believe in my ideas so I WILL be
successful with my business and my book.
The one downfall about
the move is that people in RI don't get to see me be ME. They won't get
to know who I am without all the worrying I used to do. And I won't know
if they would have been my true friend or not. If they had gotten to
know the real ME would they have made those lunch dates, come to my kids
birthday parties or come to our farewell to RI party or even stopped by
to say good bye before we moved??? I guess I will never know as it
seems with some friends out of site does mean out of mind and that is
OK. It will be hard to realize that so many were not really my friends
and that they were really just polite acquaintances but knowing the
truth is always best even when it hurts. I will be OK as I grow stronger
everyday and more confident in myself too. Although I am not sure if I
will ever believe Mike when he says I am pretty, I hope to but that one
runs pretty deep.
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