As some of you know, the 7th grade class is going on a 4 day/3 night camping field trip next week. I have worried about this trip since last Spring when I first heard about it but was hopeful we would be able to put things in place to help Donald. After reading that kids were not allowed to have cell phones, my anxiety increased. I threw it out on FB to see what others thought and got mixed responses. Those with children on the Spectrum understood my fears more than those that do not have children on the Spectrum which is understandable. When you have a child that has a lot of friends it must be hard to understand that there are children that do not have friends. So it is easy for other Autism parents to understand my anxiety as they may have the same anxiety about their child. One thing we all agreed on was talking to Donald and find out his feelings. This made me nervous because Donald always wants things to work out so he will do it with hopes for a good outcome. But then I am picking up the pieces when it does not meet his expectations or hopes.
The Talk - I asked Donald if he wanted to go and he said yes. Then I asked why, he said because everyone else is. I noticed his facial expression change almost like hearing himself saying "because everyone else is" made him realize that was not a reason to go. So then we talked about his concerns which were in perfect tune to my concerns which is most likely what I was sensing and why I had such strong feelings to protect him. While we were talking I could see his expression changing from stressed out to feeling relieved. I have always brought my children up knowing that they can talk to me about things and that we can have open conversations. But many children always find it hard to believe that they can talk to their parents so they don't. During this conversation Donald really found out that while there are many times I push him to work through his anxiety, I do know when not to push. He found that we can talk about the pros & cons of things and find a compromise or more important find that we feel the exact same way. In the weeks since our talk I have found that Donald & I's relationship has grown so much stronger. He no longer feels that I do not understand him, he gets that I 'get' him and that I have always wanted to work with him and help him. He understands that my pushing through things has always come from love. He is laughing more, more relaxed and I even get kisses on the cheek again. (This is huge when you have a tween)
Now to explain the title of this blog -This morning we were talking about next week and what he will do while he has no school. Out of the blue he brought up that he felt some pressure from a teacher to go on the field trip. He explained that the teacher told him "you should go, you will have a lot of fun." I had asked that these comments not be made but it happened so I asked Donald what his response was. He said "I told him I am standing my ground and not going." That must have been very hard for Donald as he is a people pleaser, I am very proud that he had the courage. I have not spoken with the teacher so it is possible that there was different wording and the teacher didn't mean to pressure Donald but to Donald it felt like pressure. For me it does not matter what the actual words were, what matters is that Donald is comfortable with being himself and has the strength to stand his ground.
In many ways I can see that Donald benefited from the decision process of this field trip without needing to actually go on the field trip. It goes to show how our kids learn differently and what works for one, may not work for another. I think Donald found more confidence in himself with making the decision not to go than he would have gained by going :) It is all about perspective!!!!!!!
Side Note - Donald made me cry last night. He said he had to interview me, when I asked why, he said "I am doing a report on someone that inspires me." Tears of Pride followed :)
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
A Buddy
Today I started volunteering in Kyle's class :) I was very nervous about working in Kyle's class as he has separation anxiety at times but I wanted to try. As I hoped he is very settled into a classroom routine and do not stay at my side:) He was at my center for the first round, so independent, polite and showing me all he can do :) He did very well with transitioning to other stations. He looked like such a big boy, I was proud and heartbroken at the same time. My baby is growing up!!!!
Later in the morning they get to pick their task, writing, self reading & buddy reading. Those next on the list get to use either a computer or an Ipad :( I could tell by Kyle's response that he does not like the writing part so I thought for sure he would pick self reading. I was happily surprised to hear him ask a friend to buddy read. That moment washed away many fears I have had and I can see all the benefits of early intervention. Donald & Karl were in the dx process when I was pregnant with Kyle, both got their dx when Kyle was 6 weeks old. At that appointment the Doctor said we were watching Kyle from birth and that he had to have EI at 12 months even if he was not delayed. Many thought this was wrong and that we were predetermining Kyle's future. I watch Kyle with experienced eyes and was careful not to predetermine his future. Little by little we saw signs of Donald & Karl in Kyle and around 12 months Kyle was in EI. It worked out perfectly that Karl completed EI as Kyle entered EI so Kyle had Karl's therapists. This saved us a great deal of time as he already knew them and liked them. After moving to Maine Kyle continued in EI and at age three he went to the best pre-school around Bear Hugs. Jen, Chrissy, Shirley, Lori and others worked so hard with Kyle and helped Kyle overcome so many obstacles.
Because of all the work we did early I watched a brave little boy ask a friend to be his buddy and that was the best thing in the world to witness. We were able to get Kyle to draw a picture for writing, he drew him & I at the parade Saturday and he gave me long funny hair :) SO PROUD!!!!!!!!!!
Later in the morning they get to pick their task, writing, self reading & buddy reading. Those next on the list get to use either a computer or an Ipad :( I could tell by Kyle's response that he does not like the writing part so I thought for sure he would pick self reading. I was happily surprised to hear him ask a friend to buddy read. That moment washed away many fears I have had and I can see all the benefits of early intervention. Donald & Karl were in the dx process when I was pregnant with Kyle, both got their dx when Kyle was 6 weeks old. At that appointment the Doctor said we were watching Kyle from birth and that he had to have EI at 12 months even if he was not delayed. Many thought this was wrong and that we were predetermining Kyle's future. I watch Kyle with experienced eyes and was careful not to predetermine his future. Little by little we saw signs of Donald & Karl in Kyle and around 12 months Kyle was in EI. It worked out perfectly that Karl completed EI as Kyle entered EI so Kyle had Karl's therapists. This saved us a great deal of time as he already knew them and liked them. After moving to Maine Kyle continued in EI and at age three he went to the best pre-school around Bear Hugs. Jen, Chrissy, Shirley, Lori and others worked so hard with Kyle and helped Kyle overcome so many obstacles.
Because of all the work we did early I watched a brave little boy ask a friend to be his buddy and that was the best thing in the world to witness. We were able to get Kyle to draw a picture for writing, he drew him & I at the parade Saturday and he gave me long funny hair :) SO PROUD!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Talking with Others
Last night I talked with a small group at a local church. One gentlemen has a 70 year old sister with Autism. Back in the day his Mother tried her best to believe there was more she could do but there was not support for parents back then and there came a time that she could not help and she had to put her daughter in an institution. I am sure that was the hardest decision in the world. But I can understand it as we can only do so much on our own and with only one source of help, parents didn't really have a choice.
When I spoke about how many still having the "shh we don't talk about that" attitude towards Autism, he remembered it being like that when he was young. Donald & I explained how we are open about Autism with everyone and how it has made such a difference with other kids. I explained how much Karl speaking at his school last year he helped Karl find his voice. He said he can see that life is so much better when people talk about it and be open about it. They loved that Donald is so confident about who he is :)
We talked about how Sensory Items and weight help children/adults regulate and they all tried a small weighted blanket & the weighted shawl and liked it. They were surprised to feel an instant comfort from the weight. Which helps prove my theory that many typical people can benefit from weighted blankets too. We talked about how Sensory Diets help children with Autism, ADD, ADHD, SPD and APD in school and at home. I explained how using different activities & tools throughout the day helps a child regulate and relax so they can learn more and that when the Sensory Diet is followed correctly a child can come home calm instead bouncing off the walls.
I spoke briefly about how I do not say "he cannot do that because he has Autism." I would say things like "we are working on that," we haven't taught him that yet," or "that is his next goal." I explained that I have found with the boys having a "can do" attitude teaches them that they can do what they want as long as they work for it. The gentleman explained that he remembered how his Mother would not let his sister near a hot stove or let her do some things because of safety reasons which is understandable. Then with her living in an institution for a long time there was no access for his sister to have independence. Things changed when she went to live in a group home, during one of his visits to her at the group home, a worker asked him if he would like some tea, he said yes. Then the worker looked at his sister and asked her to make the tea. He was so proud to watch her be able to do it all on her own. Now with direction she can take care of herself and she was working until a few years ago when she retired. She loves to manipulate things with her fingers so I suggested he get her clay to play with :)
While 70 years ago parents and doctors did not understand Autism I am glad to see that his sister was able to move out of the institution and into a group home where her restrictions were lifted and she was allowed to show how smart she is and that she is able to be herself. All too often children/adults with Autism have their abilities are underestimated. I think that while yes we have to be realistic we have to also have the attitude 'the sky is the limit' for our kids. So maybe they only get to see the top of hill instead of the top of a mountain, the point is they did not give up before trying. Always have small goal that lead to a large goal as accomplishing those small goals will build up confidence for your child to keep trying new things :)
I hope I get the chance to do more these talks as last night was not only about how I can help others understand Autism, it was also about how I can learn from others which will help me help others in the future :)
When I spoke about how many still having the "shh we don't talk about that" attitude towards Autism, he remembered it being like that when he was young. Donald & I explained how we are open about Autism with everyone and how it has made such a difference with other kids. I explained how much Karl speaking at his school last year he helped Karl find his voice. He said he can see that life is so much better when people talk about it and be open about it. They loved that Donald is so confident about who he is :)
We talked about how Sensory Items and weight help children/adults regulate and they all tried a small weighted blanket & the weighted shawl and liked it. They were surprised to feel an instant comfort from the weight. Which helps prove my theory that many typical people can benefit from weighted blankets too. We talked about how Sensory Diets help children with Autism, ADD, ADHD, SPD and APD in school and at home. I explained how using different activities & tools throughout the day helps a child regulate and relax so they can learn more and that when the Sensory Diet is followed correctly a child can come home calm instead bouncing off the walls.
I spoke briefly about how I do not say "he cannot do that because he has Autism." I would say things like "we are working on that," we haven't taught him that yet," or "that is his next goal." I explained that I have found with the boys having a "can do" attitude teaches them that they can do what they want as long as they work for it. The gentleman explained that he remembered how his Mother would not let his sister near a hot stove or let her do some things because of safety reasons which is understandable. Then with her living in an institution for a long time there was no access for his sister to have independence. Things changed when she went to live in a group home, during one of his visits to her at the group home, a worker asked him if he would like some tea, he said yes. Then the worker looked at his sister and asked her to make the tea. He was so proud to watch her be able to do it all on her own. Now with direction she can take care of herself and she was working until a few years ago when she retired. She loves to manipulate things with her fingers so I suggested he get her clay to play with :)
While 70 years ago parents and doctors did not understand Autism I am glad to see that his sister was able to move out of the institution and into a group home where her restrictions were lifted and she was allowed to show how smart she is and that she is able to be herself. All too often children/adults with Autism have their abilities are underestimated. I think that while yes we have to be realistic we have to also have the attitude 'the sky is the limit' for our kids. So maybe they only get to see the top of hill instead of the top of a mountain, the point is they did not give up before trying. Always have small goal that lead to a large goal as accomplishing those small goals will build up confidence for your child to keep trying new things :)
I hope I get the chance to do more these talks as last night was not only about how I can help others understand Autism, it was also about how I can learn from others which will help me help others in the future :)
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Morning of Lessons
It has been a morning of lessons today and it is only 10:30.
Donald found out that I will no longer allow chores to be done half fast as the dishes were all greasy this morning so he stayed home this morning to redo all his chores.
Karl & Kyle made a very hard decision to save their chore money this week so next week they will have more to spend. This was VERY hard for Kyle as he REALLY wants a larger play mobile set, he almost cried but in the end held it together and made the right choice.
Kyle - Well we were suppose to have Ice Cream for dinner but that was ruined by Kyle having a full blown tantrum over which flavor they should get. Karl wanted one flavor and Kyle wanted another. They decided to do rock paper scissors, well Karl won and that pushed Kyle over the edge. While I understand that it was a hard blow for Kyle after making such a good decision at the Toy Store, I still could not condone his bad behavior. He was screaming and stumping and under no circumstances is that allowed.
I gave him a warning & started counting, he stopped. I then gave him the choice of putting his flavor back and he would get the choice next time or I would put all flavors back. He decided on his own option of screaming at me again. At this point there is no reasoning with him so he had to learn that his choice of screaming is unacceptable.
I put back all the ice cream and he continued to scream at me while we went to the register and screamed while we were at the register for a bit. Then by the time it was our turn, he calmed and asked. Mom can we try again tomorrow and I said yes but it will still be Karl's choice of flavor. At this point those around the store that had laughed or given me dirty looks realized I had made the right decision and that Kyle learned a lesson.
Society needs to learn that just because a child is having a tantrum, it does not mean it is always because of bad parenting. Some of us will allow our children to scream as we do not believe in giving in to their tantrum. Giving a child what they want just to keep them quiet can be bad parenting as the parents are teaching the child to have tantrums to get what they want.
Karl was rewarded with a candy bar as he handle me putting the ice cream back very well :)
Donald emptied the dishwasher & filled it, did some laundry, took out recyclables & compost, rewashed the greasy dishes and was cleaning the counters when I got home:)
Kyle has since calmed down and said he is sorry, he promises to behave today so he can have another chance tomorrow :)
Donald found out that I will no longer allow chores to be done half fast as the dishes were all greasy this morning so he stayed home this morning to redo all his chores.
Karl & Kyle made a very hard decision to save their chore money this week so next week they will have more to spend. This was VERY hard for Kyle as he REALLY wants a larger play mobile set, he almost cried but in the end held it together and made the right choice.
Kyle - Well we were suppose to have Ice Cream for dinner but that was ruined by Kyle having a full blown tantrum over which flavor they should get. Karl wanted one flavor and Kyle wanted another. They decided to do rock paper scissors, well Karl won and that pushed Kyle over the edge. While I understand that it was a hard blow for Kyle after making such a good decision at the Toy Store, I still could not condone his bad behavior. He was screaming and stumping and under no circumstances is that allowed.
I gave him a warning & started counting, he stopped. I then gave him the choice of putting his flavor back and he would get the choice next time or I would put all flavors back. He decided on his own option of screaming at me again. At this point there is no reasoning with him so he had to learn that his choice of screaming is unacceptable.
I put back all the ice cream and he continued to scream at me while we went to the register and screamed while we were at the register for a bit. Then by the time it was our turn, he calmed and asked. Mom can we try again tomorrow and I said yes but it will still be Karl's choice of flavor. At this point those around the store that had laughed or given me dirty looks realized I had made the right decision and that Kyle learned a lesson.
Society needs to learn that just because a child is having a tantrum, it does not mean it is always because of bad parenting. Some of us will allow our children to scream as we do not believe in giving in to their tantrum. Giving a child what they want just to keep them quiet can be bad parenting as the parents are teaching the child to have tantrums to get what they want.
Karl was rewarded with a candy bar as he handle me putting the ice cream back very well :)
Donald emptied the dishwasher & filled it, did some laundry, took out recyclables & compost, rewashed the greasy dishes and was cleaning the counters when I got home:)
Kyle has since calmed down and said he is sorry, he promises to behave today so he can have another chance tomorrow :)
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