I have been a Mom for 29 years, am I perfect, Hell No!!! Do I know everything, again Hell No!!! But as of yesterday I am 49 years old, so I do know a few things about raising children. Having raised a child without IPads, Android phones & very limited internet access and currently raising children with access to all those electronics, I can say parenting without electronics was so much easier!!! Many say that when it comes to Autism, one must think out of the box, well for me there is no box!! Now you might think that this blog is going to tell you that you should do what I suggest, well it is not. This blog is about the importance of knowing who you are taking advice from.
Why I want to help children - Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to help other children. My dad use to tell me stories about how I would help kids that were sicker than I was while I was in the hospital. Having been admitted to the Hospital 57 times before I turned 3 1/2, I helped a lot of children. I have always been in tune with what children need. My younger sister was non-verbal for a while, she would tug on my shirt and I knew exactly what she needed without her saying a word. I now know that my speaking for her may have been why it took Doctors so long to find out that she was half deaf in her left ear. Luckily, they found out what was wrong, with time and speech therapy she got on track. That life lesson, my love for helping children, the story of Helen Keller and my intuition is what drives my approach to raising 3 sons with Autism. Because of my anxiety, OCD and SPD, I have thought many times that I may be on the Spectrum too but I am not, as Sheldon from BBT would say, 'I was tested for that.....' My anxiety, OCD, SPD and severe insecurities come from mental abuse (from my Mother), isolation (Hospital, once I lived in a plastic bubble for two months) and from the fact that the one person who believed in me died the day I graduated from High School. So there are many life experiences I can draw on to help me help my sons. Things like, I know that avoiding triggers only enable a person. I wish I had more time with my Dad so he could have continued to help push me out of my comfort zone. He tried so hard to pick me up when I my Mom would crush my spirits but when he died, so did my free spirit. I use to be a girl that wore purple eye shadow even though everyone said it looked bad, I loved it and didn't care what others thought. After he died, I got screamed at for the smallest of things, everything I did was wrong and I was worthless, so I became a wallflower, even today I feel worthless. So while I do not have Autism, I have a great deal of life experience of being told to conform. My techniques are not about my sons conforming, it is about them surviving in a harsh world and for them to be independent adults. While I am not the 'Free Spirit' I was before my Dad died, I still cannot conform to what everyone wants me to do, I have tried but I have to speak up when wrongs are being done. I am the town outcast because I speak up too much. I speak for not only my children, I speak up for all children that need a voice and no matter how lonely it can be, I will always speak up because it is the right thing to do.
Enough about my experience and why I do what I do to help kids. Autism advice is tricky, each child is different, everyone has an opinion on cause, approaches, techniques, vocabulary, etc......My advice about Autism Advice - 1) Pick your goals for your child, or if they are old enough, what are their goals in life. 2) Are you hoping for your child to be independent or that you will be their guardian. This one can be hard, some child may not be able to be independent but that does not mean it cannot be a goal even if you know partial independence is all there will be. I always pushed my sons 10 steps past each goal set by therapists. 3) Know who you are getting advice from!!!! There are things you have to look at in a persons advice. If a person is giving advice to avoid triggers and they are someone who as an Autistic Adult still avoids their triggers, that tells you that avoiding triggers does not change anything. The other end - An Autism Mom may give advice about how to slowly help your child overcome that trigger with tools & techniques AND can give you examples of how it helped her children. Two bits of advice that are total opposites!!! The only way to know which advice you should take is by knowing what the goals are for your child. Do you want your child to always have to avoid the rain because he has an extreme OCD about rain getting him wet or do you want your son to be able to go for a walk with light rain showers? I know this one all too well. When Kyle was two, if a drop of rain touched his skin, he would scream for 20 to 30 minutes, you would have thought it was acid that touched him he scream so loud. Now at 9yo he can walk in light rain and not have a problem and hopefully as he gets older he will get easier for him with heavier rain.
Both bits of advice comes from a different perspective and while I do not support avoiding, I will not bash a person for their perspective. Sadly many do not respect my perspective, I tend to be called nasty names and get comments like "I feel so sorry that your boys have you as a Mom." That one came from my advice to put extreme limits video games because children with Autism will use those games to avoid social interaction. If you know me, you know that I am firmly against children using computers, IPads and video games as they are creating a huge Social gap for ALL children. Yes computers have a place for learning but they are being used too much in school and at home. The Doctors, research and studies back me up this one. Above I used the 'avoid' example because I have seen a bad trend of Autistic adults giving this advice. While I would love to say that because they have Autism they are experts but that is not always the case. See there are many that did not find out that they have Autism until they were adults. Why is this information important?? Because they will tell you that their parents pushed them and that pushing caused a great them a great deal of stress. While I feel bad that their parents did not use the right approach, that does not mean that all parents who push their children out of their comfort zone are doing it wrong. The difference between me and that persons parents is that I know my sons have Autism and their parents didn't. Temple Grandin talks a lot about parenting needing to push their children more. While I have not had a chance to read her new book The Loving Push, I hear it is great! Temple Grandin is an adult with Autism that I would listen to!! I have a feeling her Mother and I may have a lot in common!! This is why knowing how a person came to their perspective is very important to know what advice to listen to.
Now rule 4 is the most important - Stop bashing one another!! Having a debate over a difference of opinions is fine but no name calling!! The Autism Community is too divided!! For example I am sure some are going to be yelling that I used 'Autistics' in my sentences and then others are going to be yelling because I said 'sons with Autism.' The argument is petty and it distracts everyone from what is really important. Which word or phrase I use all depends on how I form the sentence and which makes more sense. Just to cover my basis and everyone knows that I am not offending my sons - My sons also use both 'I am Autistic' and 'I have Autism.'
#Embrace Autism
#Embrace Autism
