As some of you know, the 7th grade class is going on a 4 day/3 night camping field trip next week. I have worried about this trip since last Spring when I first heard about it but was hopeful we would be able to put things in place to help Donald. After reading that kids were not allowed to have cell phones, my anxiety increased. I threw it out on FB to see what others thought and got mixed responses. Those with children on the Spectrum understood my fears more than those that do not have children on the Spectrum which is understandable. When you have a child that has a lot of friends it must be hard to understand that there are children that do not have friends. So it is easy for other Autism parents to understand my anxiety as they may have the same anxiety about their child. One thing we all agreed on was talking to Donald and find out his feelings. This made me nervous because Donald always wants things to work out so he will do it with hopes for a good outcome. But then I am picking up the pieces when it does not meet his expectations or hopes.
The Talk - I asked Donald if he wanted to go and he said yes. Then I asked why, he said because everyone else is. I noticed his facial expression change almost like hearing himself saying "because everyone else is" made him realize that was not a reason to go. So then we talked about his concerns which were in perfect tune to my concerns which is most likely what I was sensing and why I had such strong feelings to protect him. While we were talking I could see his expression changing from stressed out to feeling relieved. I have always brought my children up knowing that they can talk to me about things and that we can have open conversations. But many children always find it hard to believe that they can talk to their parents so they don't. During this conversation Donald really found out that while there are many times I push him to work through his anxiety, I do know when not to push. He found that we can talk about the pros & cons of things and find a compromise or more important find that we feel the exact same way. In the weeks since our talk I have found that Donald & I's relationship has grown so much stronger. He no longer feels that I do not understand him, he gets that I 'get' him and that I have always wanted to work with him and help him. He understands that my pushing through things has always come from love. He is laughing more, more relaxed and I even get kisses on the cheek again. (This is huge when you have a tween)
Now to explain the title of this blog -This morning we were talking about next week and what he will do while he has no school. Out of the blue he brought up that he felt some pressure from a teacher to go on the field trip. He explained that the teacher told him "you should go, you will have a lot of fun." I had asked that these comments not be made but it happened so I asked Donald what his response was. He said "I told him I am standing my ground and not going." That must have been very hard for Donald as he is a people pleaser, I am very proud that he had the courage. I have not spoken with the teacher so it is possible that there was different wording and the teacher didn't mean to pressure Donald but to Donald it felt like pressure. For me it does not matter what the actual words were, what matters is that Donald is comfortable with being himself and has the strength to stand his ground.
In many ways I can see that Donald benefited from the decision process of this field trip without needing to actually go on the field trip. It goes to show how our kids learn differently and what works for one, may not work for another. I think Donald found more confidence in himself with making the decision not to go than he would have gained by going :) It is all about perspective!!!!!!!
Side Note - Donald made me cry last night. He said he had to interview me, when I asked why, he said "I am doing a report on someone that inspires me." Tears of Pride followed :)
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