Kennebunk is in the news again!! I have read the news articles, the districts response to the news article and many of the comments on the posts about the article and all I can say is - I am not surprised at all!!! To the woman these articles are about - I am so sorry for what you went through!!!
Some in town seem very shocked that these events took place, I am not. Why? Because of everything we have been through with our sons is the simple answer. A small part of me says, "don't write this" but the larger part say "Do it because not speaking up is the biggest problem in this town." And what do I have to lose, most of the town doesn't like me already.
May marks 9 years we have lived in Kennebunk. We moved here so our boys would get a better education and because Kennebunk looked like an amazing community. At first is was great but the longer you live here the more you realize it is a Faux Community for transplants (Transplant is what natives call people that move here). Leaving my hometown and state was an easy decision because the schools there were not supporting our sons the way they needed and we had heard great things about the schools here. At first it seemed like I fit in, even made some friends. I joined in on parent/child activities offered through the Rec department, quickly found out that being open about a child's dx of Autism was not something that was done here. OK but the boys need friends so I will play along. Well that didn't last too long!!
Time came for D to speak to his class about his Asperger's, the school did not want that to happen but it did. I lost a friend and one of D's friends with Asperger's stopped talking to him. But his talk helped children understand him and he made some other friends, or what I like to call polite friends. A polite friend is a person that is nice to you while you are at school or a school function but does not want to be around you outside of that setting. On a positive note, school administration saw that his talk helped his peers to understand him, his quirks and that there was more acceptance & understanding by students.
I quickly started to realize that Kennebunk is a community that goes with the flow, keep your head down, don't ask questions and don't point out flaws. I tried to abide by that, I really did but then I saw how D was treated by his basketball teammates in his second year of playing. They bullied by exclusion and I could not get the coach to do anything about it so I talked with the players. The talk went great, his teammates were very receptive, it was a great day (click on 'talk' for the blog). Sadly the next day the email from the coach quickly showed me that he and parents were upset, even stating how unfair it was for the boys to have to go through that and I was no longer wanted to assist in coaching. I was baffled how talking to the team was unfair but excluding D was OK. I asked that I be allowed to let the boys know that I was unable to help because of babysitting issues but was told, I was no longer allowed to talk to the boys again. I did receive two emails from parents stating that they thought the talk was a good life lesson for their sons but at the games I was ignored and got dirty looks!! I broke the unwritten rules, lost a few more friends. Within a few weeks of me not helping coach, D was excluded on the court again, the team started to lose again because they weren't working as a team and at the end of the season, D said he would no longer play. Within a year or 2 he was bullied out of baseball too. I was vocal about both events but there was no community support!! So we turned him to other interests.
A year after the basketball incident, Karl had asked to go to camp as he wanted to have fun at camp with his friends. As you can read in the blog (click on camp) the town manager didn't allow it. I was vocal again and again no community support. Even had another Autism Mom say "I can understand why the town is doing that." I was blown away that so many were OK with a 7 year old not being allowed in camp because he needed a little extra supervision. I couldn't even get help from organizations with lawyers because they would be up against Kennebunk so it wasn't winnable and I couldn't afford a lawyer so he couldn't go. The school refused extended school year because Karl was doing great but all agreed that camp was needed to help him continue to build on social skills and to be with his friends.
This blog could go on and on if I were to list all the times I have spoken up for what is right in Kennebunk but I am not in the mood to type it all, plus many of you already know which is why I am called 'a pain in the ass' and God only knows what else. But here is the thing - I will not stop being a pain in the ass as long as my sons and other children need me to speak up!!! Speaking up has brought much needed change to this community and it has been for the better. My social media campaign to bring awareness to the serious issue of drivers not stopping for buses lead to buses getting camera's. While now and then a car may not stop, the number of passing cars has be reduced and at the start of each school year there are signs placed reminding drivers that school is starting and to stop for buses. So you may have all hated that I was recording cars breaking the law, posting the videos, posting about how an officer gave a warning to a man that confessed to breaking 2 laws, 1) he was on the phone distracted and 2) that he did not stop for the bus, but I bet you like the fact that buses got cameras.
Autism awareness and openness is one thing we have brought to the Kennebunks, While I know many still feel 'Autism' is not word that is to be spoken or the Awareness Ribbon to be seen, there a some families that feel they no longer need to hide their child's dx and most importantly many children with Autism know that are not alone! Through the years I have gotten a couple of messages thanking me for the work we have done and how it has helped their family and that is all I need to know to assure me that speaking up is the right thing to do. Don't get me wrong, speaking up is not all sunshine and roses, it is very lonely, as I said, I have lost friends through the years because of it. Hell I have 2 friends in town that I trust and a quite a few 'Polite Friends,' ones that say they are my friend, are facebook friends with me but don't want to hang out or associate with me in the real world. No worries, I am use to it, my own mom and sisters didn't want me around either. My childhood is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. I was sick from birth, spent most of my life until 3.5yo in the hospital, even spent 2 months in a plastic bubble, I am a survivor of every form of abuse, I even know what it is like to not be allowed to join groups and such because I was too sick, and through it all my Dad had my back, at least for what he knew about. With his heart condition, as I got older I feared he would have a heart attack from the stress of knowing. Through it all I became a very unique person with a very different perspective on life. A perspective that many do not understand at first but over time, when what I have said comes true, they realize that I had an insight to where things were headed. Empaths tend to do that. As a teenager, I begged God to let me know why he allowed so much to happen to me. Was I that horrible as person? Was I suppose to die like the Doctors thought? Is this punishment for living? Then I had my daughter, with raising her I started to get some clarity!! Years later when we found out that D had Asperger's many were surprised that I was not upset. To me there was no reason to be upset, I just wanted to know how I could help him. I remember going to my Dad's grave and talking with him about D and his dx and how Karl (in my belly at the time) may have it too. I looked up at the sky and said "I get it God, I now know why." While I wish there was an easier way to learn the lessons he needed me to learn, I forgave him and accepted my role in raising children with Autism. I knew that I would need to be their voice as I taught them how to be their own voice.
Moving to Kennebunk, a place where people go with the flow, ignore problems, exclude those that are different, bully what they don't understand, call new neighbors transplants and a place where it is wrong to ask questions did not change my mission, I have and will continue to speak up for what is right!!!
Now Kennebunk my question to you is - Has this last event made you realize that there are real problems in this community and are you ready to speak up?? I for one would like the bullying to stop, the exclusion to stop and for our town to be a real community that supports one another!!
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